


Text Message Transcripts between Mycroft and Sherlock Holmes

by orphan_account



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-12-20
Updated: 2010-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 15:38:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1058537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A day in the life of the mobile phones of Messrs Holmes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Get your CCTV camera pointed away from my window.  
SH

I havent the slightest idea what youre talking about  
MH

Good God, doesn’t your phone have basic punctuation features?  
SH

Or at least an auto-correct?  
SH

There. Does this better suit your fancy?  
MH

Yes. Much better. A man in your position really should know such basic rules as apostrophes and hard stops.  
SH

Anything to please my darling baby brother.  
MH

Then move your CCTV camera away from my window. Point it at someone else.  
SH

I still haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about.  
MH

Yes you do.  
SH

Move it.  
SH

Now.  
SH

Last chance.  
SH

Really, Sherlock. Let’s leave petty vandalism up to school children, shall we? That was below even you.  
MH

Thought you didn’t know what I was talking about.  
SH

That camera was pointed at the cafe next to the building.  
MH

I can hear you lying through your text. How do you survive as a secret agent?  
SH

You know full well I’m not a secret agent, and I’ve no idea where you get such ideas.  
MH

Torture any more diplomats this week?  
SH

You must be the only person on the planet who can simultaneously spy on someone and ignore them.  
SH

Who says I’m ignoring you?  
MH

I knew it! Stop spying on me!  
SH

How are things at home? I take it John is well?  
MH

You tell me. You’d know.  
SH

Ignoring me again?  
SH

Haven’t you got a case to work on?  
MH

BORED.  
SH

Clearly. Unlike some people, I do have a job to do right now.  
MH

Boring.  
SH

I just spray painted that camera 20 minutes ago. How is it suddenly devoid of paint and pointing back at my flat?  
SH

It really isn’t. Paranoia really doesn’t suit you.  
MH

It’s not paranoia when I have evidence to prove the fact.  
SH

Like the evidence I have of you vandalising a CCTV camera?  
MH

MOVE IT.  
SH

Last chance, Mycroft.  
SH

Isn’t that the second time you’ve said that to me today?  
MH

What have you done with my camera?  
MH

Make that cameras. Plural.  
MH

I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about, darling brother.  
SH

NW1 didn’t just completely drop offline on its own, Sherlock.  
MH

Prove it.  
SH

Put it back, and I’ll make sure you aren’t charged with acts of terrorism.  
MH

What do I get out of this deal?  
SH

No deal.  
MH

Then, sorry. I’ve no idea what happened to your little spy toys.  
SH

I’ll have my assistant bring the package round to your flat. ETA: 20min.  
MH

ETA of cameras: 21 minutes.  
SH

You didn’t poison these, did you?  
SH

If I wanted to poison you, it wouldn’t be nearly as obvious.  
MH

Okay. You can have your cameras back.  
SH

I’m ignoring the one that’s still down.  
MH

I’m also trusting you to not wear more than three of those terrible things, Sherlock. You remember what happened the last time you wore too many.  
MH

I’m wearing five right now. I might go for six.  
SH

I’m pretending that you didn’t just say that.  
MH

How’s that working for you?  
SH

Fine. Ignore me. I don’t care anyway.  
SH

  



	2. Chapter 2

Go stick your head in a pig.  
SH

?  
MH

You heard.  
SH

Do I even want to know what prompted this lashing out of unprovoked aggression today?  
MH

I found your bugs.  
SH

Perhaps you should ring an exterminator.  
MH

You know full well that’s not what I meant, Mycroft.  
SH

Oh, don’t state the obvious, Sherlock. It’s so pedestrian.  
MH

I hate you.  
SH

I know you don’t mean that.  
MH

No, I do. I hate you with every molecule of my body, and I wish you would disappear forever. I’d take care of it myself, but I don’t want to upset Mummy.  
SH

Sherlock, when was the last time you saw your therapist?  
MH

I don’t need your therapists, Mycroft, just like I don’t need you to pay off Mrs Hudson to keep from evicting me. I’m FINE.  
SH

You can’t stop me from worrying.  
MH

Just like I can’t stop you from bugging my flat, apparently.  
SH

I did nothing of the sort.  
MH

You are the worst liar on the planet. Stop now, before you strain a muscle.  
SH

It’s so cute the way you ignore me when you know I’m right.  
SH

I’m not ignoring you.  
MH

I hope that microphone wasn’t expensive. If you’re wondering what that sound just was, it’s the sound your stupid spy toys make when they’re introduced to a blender.  
SH

I’ve just found another one, and have dispatched of it by way of the toaster.  
SH

Why would you have my room bugged? I haven’t even been in there since Tuesday.  
SH

Are you quite finished?  
MH

Only if you are.  
SH

A camera? Are you serious? Mycroft, you disgust and disappoint me.  
SH

John’s going to be late today. Thought you’d want to know.  
MH

You’re spying on John, now?  
SH

Aren’t you going to tell me why he’s late? You can’t just open something like that and not tell me.  
SH

I thought you might rather enjoy a challenge.  
MH

He wasn’t on at the surgery today, but Sarah was, so he’s not gone to hers. Unless he went there to stay alone, but he wouldn’t do that. He gets bored too easily, and when he gets bored he starts to limp again. He’s not doing the shopping, because that doesn’t take all day, and he doesn’t do it without being told. It’s possible he’s playing away, but I don’t think so. He spends too much time with Sarah to maintain anything else.

Mycroft, you utter lazy fatarse. Get someone else to do your legwork for you.  
SH

Is that the best insult you could come up with?  
MH

I don’t want to waste the good ones on you. You’re not worth the effort.  
SH

Watch out behind you.  
SH

Thank you, Sherlock. Your little friend better not take anything from my wallet before he delivers it to you.  
MH

What kind of idiot carries a wallet, anyway? Yes, let’s just put all of our important documents, cards, and money in one place that can be easily taken all at once.  
SH

Your driving licence photo is dreadful. You look like a toad. What did you weigh in this? 20 stone?  
SH

Flattering as always, Sherlock. I’ll be stopping by to collect that now.  
MH

Good. Say hello to Mrs Hudson for me.  
SH

Do you have any idea how ridiculous that coat looks over that dressing gown of yours? Honestly, Sherlock. You could have at least put on some shoes.  
MH

Go stick your head in a pig.  
SH

  



	3. Chapter 3

Out of milk. Send some. Urgent.  
SH

I am not your milk man. You can fetch your own milk.  
Mycroft

Busy.  
SH

So am I.  
Mycroft

Send Persephone around with some, then. She never seems to do anything.  
SH

And some nicotine patches. Out of those, as well.  
SH

You wouldn’t run out so quickly if you only wore one at a time, you know.  
Mycroft

You’re not my boss.  
SH

ETA on milk and patches?  
SH

When you decide to go to the shop.  
Mycroft

Can’t. Busy. Already told you that. And John is at his job, which is thoroughly inconvenient in every way.  
SH

Indeed. Otherwise, I might actually be getting some work of my own done right now.  
Mycroft

The government can look after itself for 20 minutes. Need milk. Urgent.  
SH

Dear lord, didn’t Mummy ever teach you manners?  
Mycroft.

Need milk. Urgent. Please.  
SH

Sorry, I’m busy.  
Mycroft

You are not. You’re at your ridiculous club, which I know is just where all your secret service minions have lunch. Not busy. Perfectly capable of fetching milk, or having minion fetch milk.  
SH

All this time spent trying to get someone else to fetch you milk, you could have gone to the shop and back twice by now.  
Mycroft

You’re supposed to be helping me.  
SH

Do you even know how to pay your phone bill?  
Mycroft

That’s what John’s for.  
SH

Besides. You wouldn’t cut my service, because then you’d lose the ability to use my phone to spy on me.  
SH

The notions you have. Sherlock, really. I do no such thing.  
Mycroft

You are a lying liar who lies. Stop it right now.  
SH

When is your minion getting here?  
SH

She isn’t. And I wish you wouldn’t call her that.  
Mycroft

Oh, right. I forgot. You’re sleeping with that one. Dull. Disgusting. Boring.  
SH

You and I both know that isn’t true.  
Mycroft

Wrong!  
SH

You really are being rather childish right now.  
Mycroft

Still not my boss.  
SH

Still being childish.  
Mycroft

Milk!  
SH

No.  
Mycroft

Now who’s being childish?  
SH

Still you.  
Mycroft

You promised.  
SH

A promise which involved making sure you stayed safe and out of trouble. Milk has nothing to do with either of those.  
Mycroft

Milk is required to stave off boredom.  
SH

If that’s meant to be a joke, it isn’t funny.  
Mycroft

Milk.  
SH

Get it yourself.  
Mycroft

Can’t. Busy. Already told you.  
SH

You’re either busy, or your bored. Which is it?  
Mycroft

Busy being bored.  
SH

You are not funny.  
Mycroft

Not trying to be. Need milk. Urgent.  
SH

ETA: 15 minutes.  
Mycroft

Good.  
SH

You’re very welcome.  
Mycroft

  



	4. Chapter 4

Need a new phone. This time it really is urgent.  
SH

And what did you do with yours, or do I even want to know?  
Mycroft

It’s at the bottom of the Thames.  
SH

I’m probably going to regret this, but why?  
Mycroft

John threw it there. I told him to get me a new phone, but he refuses. I pick pocketed his, so it’s only a matter of time before he comes back for it.  
SH

Again, why?  
Mycroft

I don’t know. Something about not seeing the bigger picture or some such nonsense.  
SH

I’ve reviewed the tape. Did you really think you could get away with such a blatant lie?  
Mycroft

Okay, so he didn’t exactly throw it. But it is still his fault, and I still need a new phone.  
SH

How many other people do you suspect manage to go through half a dozen phones in less than a year?  
Mycroft

How many other people do you suspect have the same sort of job that I do, which comes with certain risks?  
SH

Are you asking how many other people are technically unemployed and living off of government assistance?  
Mycroft

I get paid!  
SH

When? I know the Yard doesn’t pay you, and you haven’t taken a single private case in months.  
Mycroft

How’s the wife?  
SH

I’ll tell you when you can tell me her name.  
Mycroft

Does she know you’re sleeping with your PA?  
SH

You are no fun when you text. Ignoring me doesn’t mean you win, you know.  
SH

I wasn’t aware this was a competition.  
Mycroft

You say that every time.  
SH

Because I know how much you like to hear it.  
Mycroft

Dr Watson, please give Sherlock back the phone. I wasn’t done with him.  
Mycroft Holmes

You should have seen the look on his face just now.  
SH

I did.  
Mycroft

Of course. Now, back to the matter at hand. Need new phone. ETA?  
SH

I’m half tempted to let you go a weekend without one, actually. You might learn something from it.  
Mycroft

Why do you hate me so much? What did I ever do to deserve that?  
SH

I can make it a week. Shall we try that?  
Mycroft

I hate you.  
SH

Hopefully Dr Watson is in the mood to teach you how to pay a phone bill. You can even use the expense account.  
Mycroft

I still have internet access, you know.  
SH

Do you?  
Mycroft

Mycroft, I swear to god I am going to kill you. Put it back.  
SH

Did you just threaten a government official?  
Mycroft

Yes. And I dare you to do something about it.  
SH

Oh, yes. Real mature. Mrs Hudson will be having a fit now that you’ve cut our power as well. I didn’t even know you could do that.  
SH

I’m afraid I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about, dear brother.  
Mycroft

Put it back.  
SH

Put what back?  
Mycroft

You know what.  
SH

Now the internet.  
SH

New security act just went through today. People suspected of terrorist involvement are not permitted access to the world wide web.  
Mycroft

It’s World Wide Web. Capitalised. Get it right.  
SH

OK. Fine. I don’t know how to do this, and John is refusing to help. He is actually taking your side on this. Can I have my internet back, please?  
SH

There. That wasn’t so hard, now was it?  
Mycroft

John would also like to have his phone back, so can I have a new phone? It would make him very happy.  
SH

Please.  
SH

ETA: 30 minutes.  
Mycroft

Good.  
SH

I mean, thank you.  
SH

You’re very welcome. See, that didn't hurt at all, did it?  
Mycroft

Piss off.  
SH

  



	5. Chapter 5

>

Sherlaock threes something I need to talk too you amour.  
M

Oh, God. No. Just stop right now, before you make a fool of yourself. Oh, wait. Too late.  
SH

No I’m serious.  
M

Did you actually have something to say, or is it really taking you twenty minutes to compose a simple text message?  
SH

What?  
M

Oh right. Its vary importa t. National security.  
M

It’s very hard to deduce what you’re thinking when all I’ve got to go on is you drunk texting at me.  
SH

What am I the king then?  
M

How the bloody hell should I know?  
SH

Well if you don’t know than I font now.  
M

???????  
SH

What?  
M

Oh rift. There’s something I needed to tell you.  
M

Your auto correct is killing me, I hope you know.  
SH

I can have n’t agents rou t to yours ub 1” minutes. Where r u?  
M

What did you need to tell me, Mycroft?  
SH

It’s a matter od national security. Very sensoti e. This isn’t a secure lube.  
M

What on Earth are you talking about?  
SH

Can’t tell you. Tp secret. Youndont have the proper security clwaewbr lebel.  
M

I do hope you’ve remembered your insulin today.  
SH

Is all taken cate of.  
M

I can’t believe I have to actually point out that I was being completely sarcastic. Because I was.  
SH

Ibe only had a few. The girls keep Yakut my drinks awayveverg time I fer a new one.  
M

You’ve been drinking with Persephone and the missus in the same room? Where are you? I have to see this.  
SH

Number 10  
M

I’ll be there in 15 minutes. Don’t go anywhere.  
SH

Ill be sure to tell them to let you in.  
M

  



	6. Chapter 6

Bored.  
SH

Bored.  
SH

I am bored and you are boring.  
SH

BORED!  
SH

Are you quite finished?  
Mycroft

No. I’m bored, Mycroft.  
SH

I’m busy. I can’t be expected to drop everything I’m doing and arrange something to entertain you.  
Mycroft

I  
SH

Am  
SH

Bored.  
SH

Would you stop that?  
Mycroft

No.  
SH

I’m bored. Fix it.  
SH

I will not. Sherlock, I’m busy. I do actually have a job, you know.  
Mycroft

It’s not a job. It’s meddling. No one actually asked you to do what you do. You just stepped in one day and took over. Probably killed the last person who was secretly pulling all the strings.  
SH

Don’t be absurd.  
Mycroft

It’s not absurd if it’s true.  
SH

Stop being boring!  
SH

I know you haven’t turned off your phone. Stop pretending that you have.  
SH

What do you want, Sherlock?  
Mycroft

BORED  
SH

That was not an answer to the question that I asked, unless you were implying that what you want is to be bored.  
Mycroft

You know perfectly well that’s not what I meant.  
SH

Stop ignoring me!  
SH

Good god. Are you six years old? I cannot drop everything that I’m doing just to entertain you.  
Mycroft

You’re not doing anything important. Let the elections actually run their own course for a change. There’s no point to them if you’re going to just change the results anyway.  
SH

Mycroft!  
SH

This is your last warning, Sherlock. You need to stop this behaviour right now.  
Mycroft

BORED!  
SH

And you call me childish. Was this to entertain you, or me? Because this is not funny.  
SH

I think I disagree. It’s quite funny indeed.  
Mycroft

Your sniffer dogs won’t find anything. Call them off.  
SH

Mycroft, this isn’t fair. This is against the rules. You agreed!  
SH

Are you referring to the rules you broke by harassing me for the last hour?  
Mycroft

That was different. I was bored. You’re just being a prat.  
SH

Oh, yes. Of course. The rules change according to how bored you are. How silly of me to have forgotten.  
Mycroft

Glad to see we’re both on the same page for once.  
SH

Now call off your sniffer dogs!  
SH

Remind me to look up the legality of keeping a dissected human brain in your freezer.  
Mycroft

It’s for a case!  
SH

Well, that’s good to know. I suppose.  
Mycroft

Oh, please. If I were really doing something like that, I wouldn’t be stupid enough to keep trophies.  
SH

I’m sure Mummy will be pleased to know this.  
Mycroft

Leave her out of this.  
SH

I don’t suppose you’re bored now?  
Mycroft

No, you’ll be pleased to know that I’m too busy hating you right now to be bored.  
SH

OH THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE. New violin bow. Now.  
SH

?  
Mycroft

Someone on your damn fake drugs bust snapped my bow. You owe me a new one, since you arranged the whole thing to begin with.  
SH

And don’t you dare say it was for my benefit.  
SH

Would you rather I lie to you instead?  
Mycroft

I’d rather you drop dead.  
SH

But not before you replace my bow.  
SH

I’m going to pretend that you’ve honoured my request to cease existing, rather than just ignoring me.  
SH

Whatever makes you happy.  
Mycroft

Shut up.  
SH

  



End file.
